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They haunt me, those hours I spent with them. I still wake up screaming. For it was a black day in a reporter’s notebook when I interviewed the Olsen twins. On the surface everything seemed peachy; spend a day with North America’s  most beloved double-zygote munchkins. Mary Kate and Ashley, who turned 6 in June, have the sixth-highest TVQ (likability rating), slightly behind Cos and Michael Jordan and above Robin Williams, Kevin Costner and Ted Danson. At three-foot-zip, they stand tall in the industry. Their show, Full House (ABC,CTV), is a perennial top-rater beginning its sixth season. And in the summer hiatus they came to vancouver to shoot a Christmas TV-movie, "To Grandmother's House We Go." Backing them up: Cheer's Rhea Perlman, Coach's Jerry van Dyke and Northern Exposure's Cynthia Geary. Full House pals Lori Loughlin and Bob Saget made quest appearances. The project was written specifically for the Olsens. The plot concerns a harried single mother (Geary) who in a tizzy whishes out loud that she could have some time to herself, inspiring her twin daughters, to innocently head out on their own to their grandmother´s home. Enterprising little duffers, the kids solve their transportation problem by stowing away in a courier truck. As fate would have it, that particular truck is hijacked by crooks (Perlman and van Dyke), who learning of the stowaways, exploit their windfall for ransom. To add to that Yuletide feel, the kidnappers scam the kids by claiming to be Santa's helpers. Despite their stellar cohorts, there is no doubt that the Olsens are the drawing card here. In North Vancouver's Cleveland Dam Park, it was a beautiful sunny day, and the Olsens were being trundled around by their entourage of coach, nanny and mother, Entertainment Tonight was on the set, and snuggled in a big chair, the twins turned on the charm by performing a duet of "I'm a little Teapot" for the ET camera. I watched, thinking how easy the electronic media have it; the clipwill charm millions of viewers, but it doesn't translate well to the page -and I figure you already know the words.

But it has been a half-hour procedure, and by the time the Olsens are shuffled over to me they are getting antsy -6-year-old-antsy. Now you should know that the local stringer for ET is a lovely young woman, while when people describe me the adjective devil-like is common. Thus the Olsens have gone from a singsong with someone as amiable as Betty Crocker to an encounter with someone more resembling Axl Rose. Introduced to me, their blue eyes widen and their little brows furl with concern. I try to be as reassuring as Mr. Rogers. What follows are highlights from the conversation.

TVG: This is a Christmas story. What do you two do at Christmas?
MK & A: (Silence)
TVG: Do you get a lot of toys?
MK & A: Yeah!
TVG: How do you like working together?
A: It's fun.
TVG: How do you like being TV stars?
MK: It's good.
TVG: Do you know any other kids who have their own TV show?
MK: (Prolonged silence) No.
TVG: (Flailing, perspiring): How do you like working with John Stamos on Full House?
MK & A: (Silence)
TVG: Is he a good buddy to you?
MK & A: (Eyes downcast) Yeah.
TVG: (Losing it): Is he as funny as (Full House costar) Dave Coulier?
A: No (Silence). He's not that funny!
TVG: Dave is definitely funnier?
MK & A: Uh-huh.
The twins' coach (taking pity on reporter): What do you do with John?
A: He picks us up and throws us in the air and then catches us.
Coach: What else?
MK: He takes us to Disneyland and Magic Mountain. Can we go ride on the pony now?
TVG: Lori (Loughlin) took you to the Vancouver Aquarium. What did you see there?
MK & A: (Mystified silence)
TVG: Did you see whales?
A: Ngh.
TVG: Did you see belugas?
MK: Aawangh
TVG (frantic): Do you watch America's Funniest Home Videos?
MK & A: Sometimes
TVG: Bob Saget is a funny guy; is he always joking around on set?
MK & A: Yeah (looking over at the pony ring).
Coach: Does he get in trouble? Who yells at him?
MK & A: Joel! (the director)
TVG: On the Emmy's last year you came out and said you have very high TVQ's. Do you know what that means?
MK & A: No
Coach: Bob told them to say that.
TVG: That means a lot of people like you. Do a lot of people come up to you on the street and say hi?
MK & A: Yeah.
TVG: What do they usually ask you?
A: To write autographs and if they can take pictures.
TVG: Can you do an autograph?
A: Yeah, but we say we don't know how to...
Coach: Otherwise they'd be spending their afternoons signing autographs.
TVG: What's this movie about?
A: It's about we wanna go to Grandma's to give Mom a vacation.
TVG: What's Cynthia Geary like as a mom?
MK & A: Unh.

At this point - before the twins ran for the ponies- we decided to take a break. After a pony ride, we recommenced the grilling.

TVG: What are you going to do for your birthday's?
A: We're going to Magic Mountain.
TVG: With John Stamos?
A: No, with Mommy and Daddy.
MK: Can we go on the ponies again now?
TVG: Are you ready for school?
A: I'm not, becuase I don't like getting shots.
Coach (Explaining): You have to get a booster shot for school.
TVG: Do you want to be actresses when you grow up?
MK: I want to be a cowgirl.
A: I want to be a makeup artist. What would happen if I pushed this button? (She grins mischievously and points to my tape recorder)
TVG: This interview would be over. Go ahead and push it.

Reporter: 0, Olsens: Off the meter, scoring heavily on cuteness quotient. Thus, for coherency, I checked in with some adults. Their Mom, Jarnie, declined to be interviewed but was more than happy to "chat". She is a petite lady in a blonde top knot like her kids. She was "21 when Charlie's Angels was on". And she's been married to Dave, a mortgage banker, for 15 years. The Olsens have two other kids: Trent, 8, and Elizabeth, 3. So, I ask why did you get the twins into show biz? College fund? "No," she replies, "I never thought of a college fund. It would just provide us with some play money and it would get me out of the house. I saw a friend of mine's daugther in L.A. Times print ads all the time and thought my kids could do that. I saw an ad for this show and knew they needed twins." She sent in their photos and was called to an audition. And what was it about those 7-month-old aspirants that locked the gig? "They were chosen for their coloring. They matched [already cast] siblings Jodie [Sweetin] and Candace [Cameron]." And a mega-buck empire was born.

Mary-Kate, three minutes the younger, immediately took to the camera and became the star, with Ashley on the bench. "When the camera was on her, she seemed to enjoy it, she just smiled and made this face that everybody loved," says Jarnie. Ashley came into her own after a couple of seasons, though, and today is just as sharp as her sister. Curently they pretty much equally share the Full House role of Michelle Tanner. Together of course, they blow the minds of fans who thought Michelle was a single performer and the adorableness factor goes off the meter. Twins titans of prime time, and what renumeration do they realize from their Top 10 efforts? Two big ones, that is two dollar, payable on Sundays. "If they make their bed three to four times that week," says Jarnie. To be exchanged for what creature comforts? Real estate? T-bills? "Toy store," says Mary-Kate. A chain, or individual shops? No, "stuffed animals" within a toy store. "They don't play with Barbies yet," explains their coach. "They play horsie and kitty and puppy with their stuffed animals and put leashes on them and build houses for them." As a veteran entertainment reporter whose story thermometer rises at mentions of drug problems, romantic involvements and rehab stays that make good copy, I scribble these comments down studiously. Jeff Franklin, creator/executive producer of Full House and "To Grandmother's House We Go," discovered the Olsens. "Mary Kate and Ashley were seven months old when I cast them. I brought in 10 sets of twins and played with them, and it was very apparent that these kids were special. They were very open to strangers and had these amazing big blue eyes. They smiled, laughed and didn't throw up on me, so they got the job." No dope, Franklin knew an Olsens Christmas movie would slay. "Hanging out on the set of Full House every day was so much fun, playing with both of them, seeing them work together, and there was so much going on between them behind the scenes that was so very special. So I wrote this movie for them so that people would be able to see both the children working together instead of just playing one character." But hey with these new TV-movie roles, are they expanding their repertoire, their process, their craft, their art? "Absolutely. They're showing more range. We've been forcing them to learn more dialogue than they ever learned on Full House and to put more action together and to really start playing scenes. They've become much better little actresses." C'mon, give me some dirt. "Sure, they get crabby once in a while, like all actors. But they are really little troopers." But what egos, eh? Finally Franklin nods. "These kids are learning. All of a sudden I'm getting questions like, 'Why do we have to do this six times? Didn't you get it the second time?' In the old days I'd say the cameraman missed the shot, but now if I do they'll walk up to the cameraman and say, 'I nailed it! What's your problem, mister?"

Les Wiseman is TV Guide's West Coast conributing editor. He really does love children.